I just couldn’t resist it – one more festive themed blahg post before the break.

Partially inspired by this comic, I have put together a few selections of what I would really like for Christmas. Since the holiday seems to be centred around gift-giving (no matter how many of you bleeding hearts may say it’s about family and togetherness), I figured I would point out the fact that the things people want most are invariably the gifts that are impossible to give.

So with that in mind I present to you my (impossible) 2009 Christmas wish list.

1. An end to the habit of using “gate” after every scandal.
Climategate, Kanyegate, Tigergate (should that even qualify as a “gate”?) … the inanity of this statement still seems lost on the general public. This has been a recurring wish of mine for several years now, though I’ve virtually given up hope of it ever coming true. Folks: the Watergate scandal is named after the hotel, not because some copy editor thought it’d be snazzy to add a vestigial suffix to Nixon’s screw-up. Burn it with fire, nuke it from orbit, I don’t care. Just stop naming every single scandal “-gate.” It doesn’t give the event any more importance, it just shows how idiotic the folks who run the media are.

2. Dogsleds (temporarily) replace the LTC.
Okay, so we’ll need tons of snow. And a massive pooper-scooper brigade. But think of how awesome it would be! Dump 10 feet of snow on the city and ship in some huskies. Not only do we rectify the dismal puppy-to-student ratio at Western, we could also invite some Americans up from the US and  show them their stereotypical notions of Canada are accurate. All those folks upset over the transit strike will be all smiles after zipping along Richmond street behind a team of dogs. As an added bonus, because the strike issue won’t likely be solved before the snow starts melting, we’ll have the perfect transportation system during the winter months during which time the city can save on snow removal.

3. The Tragically Hip become O-Week 2010’s opening band.
If Western managed to promote this in the springtime I can guarantee applications for the school will increase dramatically. It could be the first year the school doesn’t receive noise complaints, and there’d be an outpouring of community goodwill. If we put the show on at TD Waterhouse we could even sell tickets to non-students and save the school money! Do I really need to explain this one any further?

4. For the new Sherlock Holmes movie to not suck.
This film presents a synthesis of some of my favourite things in the world: Robert Downey Jr’s acting, Guy Ritchie’s directing, and one of the most badass detectives ever created. There are even rumours that Holmes will be portrayed in an accurate manner – i.e. like Hugh Laurie’s Dr. House. But since this film appears to be synthesized awesomeness on paper, there is now an approximately 99.9 per cent chance it will induce vomiting in all those who attempt to watch it. While I have already begun preparing to endure a poor remake of Snatch with a turn of the century setting, there is still a very slim chance that Hollywood has managed to avoid screwing this one up.

5. Replacing the water cooler in the Gazette office with a perpetually refilling Red Bull fridge.
Okay, maybe I’ll be the only one to get any use out of such a device, but damn if it wouldn’t be delicious. I know my colleagues may hate me for getting rid of their healthy water, but after a couple of days on a Red Bull diet I’m sure they’d come around. Though I may keel over from a massive, caffeine-fueled heart attack after less than a week, I am positive I would shake off this mortal coil with a smile on my face.

6. Doritos 3Ds are brought back as a potato chip.
To round out my food and drink-related wishes, I would love it if the powers-that-be at Frito-Lay decided to bring back this awesome snack food. Don’t get me wrong – Doritos are quite possibly the trashiest food ever created. If food existed in a society similar to our own, Doritos would be living in a trailer park and watching Nascar. But I don’t care. Ever since they were taken off the shelves, there has been a hole in my life – a hole that can only be filled by jalapeno cheddar flavoured Doritos 3Ds.

7. A return to the “Mad Men” aesthetic style.
Let’s face it: suits are awesome. To any guy who has yet to try a suit on, do so now. Add a hat into the mix and you’ll be wanting to start dancing like Fred Astaire. Unfortunately the only thing worse than being the only guy in the room not in a suit is being the only guy in a suit when everyone isn’t. Yes, Neil Patrick Harris can pull that look off. For the rest of us mere mortals we have to hope society will once again recognize the daily importance of the pin-striped three piece.

8. Someone to finally make a “Christmas Special” that bucks the trend.
Why is it that every made-for-tv movie around the holiday season has to be about how the cute fuzzy animals end up saving Christmas? Do I honestly have to rely on South Park for a subversive look at festive specials? There’s a reason why people hate that guy who ruins the ends of movies – if we already know the end of the story then there’s no point in watching the film. The same goes for the Christmas special. We already know the heroes are going to save Santa from being eaten alive by the  dinosaurs. I say scar a few children in their formative years, make them think the jolly old elf never made it off of Treasure Island, and then when Christmas comes and they actually get presents they’ll be surprised and happy.

9. Hammocks in the University Community Centre.
Western has already announced students can spend the night in the UCC if they’re stuck without a way home. Unfortunately, those couches that have been casually strewn throughout the building are sadly lacking on the comfort factor. I suggest setting up a colllection of strategically placed palm trees and hanging hammocks in the gym — there could even be nightly slumber parties during  exams. And, if administration wanted to, they could pipe in soothing ocean sounds and let students feel their troubles melt away. Or they could just provide rum and parrots so we all could feel like swashbuckling pirates instead of stressed out students.

10. An end to blogs that provide all their content in list form.
Most bloggers have figured out that there’s quite a bit of money to be made in list writing (“Stuff White People Like” — I’m looking at you). Llazy writers across the intertubes have embraced the list as a platform for their writing. Yeah, it may be an easier way to write, especially if a deadline has unexpectedly snuck up on you. But honestly, what serious writer does this anymore?